Thursday, September 5, 2013

Abilify Worries

Today was just like any other average work day. Nothing special to be reported. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is in Vegas and will be until Tuesday, and for some reason you just have a bad feeling about it. You can't put a finger on why, but you just have a bad feeling.

You also are off of your Abilify. The insurance company needed something signed from the doctor and getting in contact with your doctor is extremely challenging. Since you've just stopped taking abruptly about 3 days ago you've noticed that your anxiety has been through the roof.

Everything has been a source of worry and despair and at night you can't sleep because of all of the thoughts that are racing through your mind. You. Can't. Shut. It. Off. and it's driving you nuts.

Time to worry.

You took a Plan B today. Couldn't find those stupid IUD strings. You don't want a baby right now. You don't think you want to have any more kids, period. Two is enough. More than enough, and just about the maximum that you can handle. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is just itching to fill you all up with a baby right now, something that you don't quite understand, but don't question either. He's a man madly in love, and madly in love men do and think mad things.

A baby.

You'd have to quit your job immediately, find a new place to live immediately, just do a whole bunch of different things immediately. And you are not ready to take on all of those challenges at once and by yourself.

What else...

Your Love, your Light your Bliss is in Vegas and for some reason, you just have a bad feeling about this whole trip, but we've already been over this, so, moving on.

You keep missing days at work because you just can't mentally deal with it some days, and you're worried that you are going to be fired. That would be catastrophic.

You're still smoking butts which is insanely unhealthy for you and can cause a whole host of unsavory and undesirable reactions. You're paying to shorten your own life. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Your mother is in the middle of radiation treatments and has get to get a feeding tube put in next Wednesday and she'll be in the hospital for a few days. That should be a routine thing, but still, anything involving anesthesia is nerve wracking and it's seems like she's had a shitload of it lately. Fingers crossed, but all should be well on its own.

You worry about your Plumber, your Sweetheart. He makes your heart feel sweet, so Sweetheart it is.
He's so kind.
And handsome.
And intelligent, and witty and just all around amazing to be near. You worry that you won't be able to stay faithful to him with your Love, your Light, your Bliss still around. You have explosive sexual chemistry with both of them and it's quite the confounding thing to experience. You didn't think you could have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but then came your Sweetheart and he rocked your world in a way you hadn't experienced before.

Ah that whole situation. In love with one, and knowing it probably can't work, and hoping for love with the other while your still in love with the first. It won't work. You need to make some decisions and you need to make them fast. Otherwise you're just going to hurt someone. You suppose that one way or another, you are going to hurt someone, and that kills you. This feels like the weirdest de-ja-vu. You were just having to choose between whose heart to break about a month ago, when you dumped your Sweetheart to be with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. Now you have the same dilemma. You've come full circle.

Way to make absolutely no progress on that one.

Oh well.

For now you are tired of worrying so you'll put that to rest for now.

You're going to have David for the entire weekend. You're pretty pumped. You aren't exactly sure what you'll actually do with him, but you look forward to it. You don't look forward to waking up at 6:00 in the morning with him and wish he would just sleep in for once. C'est la vie.

You'll figure out something to do with him. Maybe you'll even be able to go out with your Sweetheart this weekend, but probably not because you'll need to have your parents babysit on Sunday so that you can work. You can't afford to miss anymore days.

Now its time to try to put this spinning little brain to rest.

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