Today was a good day

Today was a good day. You played so many fun and weird little games with your sons and there was minimal crying. You loved it. For once you actually felt like a mother and not a babysitter. You can't remember the last time you enjoyed their company so much.

Today did have a rocky start though. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss called you at four in morning, drunk as all hell, talking about how nothing he does matters and hinting towards being suicidal. He ended up falling asleep outside of a club while he was on the phone with you and then lost his phone and his wallet at some point. He doesn't remember getting home. He actually said that he thinks that he might have a drinking problem! Hallelujah! Maybe he'll finally listen to you and stop drinking. If he is serious about quitting drinking, he's going to need to get new friends and that's going to be difficult for him. You know what it's like. Anytime you dropped a bad habit you lost friends and had to start over at square one to get new ones. At this point you've given up on trying to find new friends.

Some people aren't meant to have friends and you believe that you are one of them.

All that matters is your children: your beautiful beautiful children.

Your worried immensely about your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but what can you do when he's clear across the country surrounded by "friends" who can't even keep track of him for one night. You don't know what to do, but he needs help. Serious help. And you aren't qualified to give it to him. You two will have to have a serious discussion when he comes home about the state of his mental health which is apparently more critical than you thought.

Despite all of that in the morning, you still managed to have a beautiful, laughter filled day with your two sons. You're continually amazed at how smart they both are and watching them today and just comparing the growth they have made both mentally and physically from a year ago is astounding.

You're also excited because tonight you are going out with the Plumber, your Sweetheart. Who knows what he has in store for you. All you know is that it really doesn't matter. Just so long as he's around it'll be a wonderful time. You can't wait to see him. Only 20 minutes to go! :)

You worry that your Light, your Love, your Bliss will call when you're out with your Sweetheart, but you can't be responsible for a drunken mans mental health and you definitely don't want to have another conversation like last night while you're out on a date.

Here's to hoping for a beautiful night with a beautiful man after a beautiful day with your beautiful children.

Picture credit: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzl0932law1r17jnwo1_500.gif

Abilify Worries

Today was just like any other average work day. Nothing special to be reported. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is in Vegas and will be until Tuesday, and for some reason you just have a bad feeling about it. You can't put a finger on why, but you just have a bad feeling.

You also are off of your Abilify. The insurance company needed something signed from the doctor and getting in contact with your doctor is extremely challenging. Since you've just stopped taking abruptly about 3 days ago you've noticed that your anxiety has been through the roof.

Everything has been a source of worry and despair and at night you can't sleep because of all of the thoughts that are racing through your mind. You. Can't. Shut. It. Off. and it's driving you nuts.

Time to worry.

You took a Plan B today. Couldn't find those stupid IUD strings. You don't want a baby right now. You don't think you want to have any more kids, period. Two is enough. More than enough, and just about the maximum that you can handle. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is just itching to fill you all up with a baby right now, something that you don't quite understand, but don't question either. He's a man madly in love, and madly in love men do and think mad things.

A baby.

You'd have to quit your job immediately, find a new place to live immediately, just do a whole bunch of different things immediately. And you are not ready to take on all of those challenges at once and by yourself.

What else...

Your Love, your Light your Bliss is in Vegas and for some reason, you just have a bad feeling about this whole trip, but we've already been over this, so, moving on.

You keep missing days at work because you just can't mentally deal with it some days, and you're worried that you are going to be fired. That would be catastrophic.

You're still smoking butts which is insanely unhealthy for you and can cause a whole host of unsavory and undesirable reactions. You're paying to shorten your own life. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Your mother is in the middle of radiation treatments and has get to get a feeding tube put in next Wednesday and she'll be in the hospital for a few days. That should be a routine thing, but still, anything involving anesthesia is nerve wracking and it's seems like she's had a shitload of it lately. Fingers crossed, but all should be well on its own.

You worry about your Plumber, your Sweetheart. He makes your heart feel sweet, so Sweetheart it is.
He's so kind.
And handsome.
And intelligent, and witty and just all around amazing to be near. You worry that you won't be able to stay faithful to him with your Love, your Light, your Bliss still around. You have explosive sexual chemistry with both of them and it's quite the confounding thing to experience. You didn't think you could have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but then came your Sweetheart and he rocked your world in a way you hadn't experienced before.

Ah that whole situation. In love with one, and knowing it probably can't work, and hoping for love with the other while your still in love with the first. It won't work. You need to make some decisions and you need to make them fast. Otherwise you're just going to hurt someone. You suppose that one way or another, you are going to hurt someone, and that kills you. This feels like the weirdest de-ja-vu. You were just having to choose between whose heart to break about a month ago, when you dumped your Sweetheart to be with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. Now you have the same dilemma. You've come full circle.

Way to make absolutely no progress on that one.

Oh well.

For now you are tired of worrying so you'll put that to rest for now.

You're going to have David for the entire weekend. You're pretty pumped. You aren't exactly sure what you'll actually do with him, but you look forward to it. You don't look forward to waking up at 6:00 in the morning with him and wish he would just sleep in for once. C'est la vie.

You'll figure out something to do with him. Maybe you'll even be able to go out with your Sweetheart this weekend, but probably not because you'll need to have your parents babysit on Sunday so that you can work. You can't afford to miss anymore days.

Now its time to try to put this spinning little brain to rest.

Slow Dreams

You've been too hard on the Plumber and might have just been having a crazy moment. It happens. Especially in relationships. You tend to over analyze.

You're gonna give him some space and see what happens.

You've also realized that you've been far too preoccupied with men which, in part, has interfered with your parenting. You should be more concerned with becoming the mother that your children deserve. You need to be more patient and more playful. You need to solidify those bonds.

Tonight is just you and little David. He's such a sweet little baby. Yes, he's 19 months old now, but to you he's still a baby. He can count to four and has developed a slew of new phrases to say. Watching him grow into a little boy has truly been one of the most rewarding experiences in your life.

You worry though that you won't be able to provide financially for him and Gabriel. It's a rough job market out there especially for someone with no degree. I suppose I could go back to school, but how long would that take and how much would that cost? I shudder to think.

You're trying to get this writing thing off of the ground. It's a lot of hard work, but you know that you will be able to succeed. It's just a really slow process.

You can't wait for that day where you don't have to have a 9-5 and you can just write all day instead. Maybe eventually you would run out of words, but they would come back to you eventually.

For now though I just have to put my nose to the grindstone, keep taking better care of my kids, and keep on hoping and working hard to achieve my dreams.

Bipolarly: What They Say About Me

Bipolarly: What They Say About Me: Paranoia.  Insomnia. Mania, then depression, then mania, then depression. Mixed state.  Mixed state.  Mixed state.  An alright day.  Nearly...

Plumber Games

You're starting to wonder if the Plumber is playing games with you. You've yet to meet anyone in his life, save for two friends on your third date, he never asks you how your doing or how day has been, and he stopped taking you out on dates. The only time you see him now is in the wee hours of the morning, usually at your place, and sex is always on the agenda. The last time you saw him you went to his place and as soon as he found out that you had your period he became immensely tired and started falling asleep. That definitely left you with a bad taste in your mouth. It makes you a little sad, but it might just make it easier to forget about him and give your Love, your Light, your Bliss one last shot.

Maybe you're being unfair to the plumber. He works anywhere from 70 to 100 hours a week so it's not like he has a lot of free time, but that didn't get in the way when you first started dating. Perhaps the grueling schedule is finally catching up with him. Perhaps he's just not that into you. You have a tendency to view men that you're extremely attracted to with rose colored glasses and ignore any red flags that they may be throwing your way. You just really hoped that it would be different this time with this guy. He was such a gentleman and made you feel so special and protected. Maybe you leaving him for your Love, your Light, your Bliss is what caused the change in him. You know that you hurt him and maybe this is just your karma. 

If the Plumber is playing games with you, it will be crystal clear soon enough. You suppose that in some ways you're playing games with him too. 

Even though you broke up with your Love, your Light, your Bliss you still hang out with him; you still tell him that you love him. It's the truth and you can't help but express it, even though you know you shouldn't. You feel like you can't give the Plumber your all unless you completely move on from your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but you don't know how to move on. He's been a fixture in your life for the last five years and you've loved him even longer. 

The Plumber says that he takes you seriously and that you are monogamous, but he could just be blowing smoke up your ass in order to keep you around. However, he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him so for now you'll take his word for it. 

But something here just doesn't add up and you don't know exactly what it is. It'll all become apparent soon enough. 

Photo credit: http://eofdreams.com/photo/plumber/07/

Love, Light, Bliss and the Plumber

So you saw your Love, your Light, your Bliss last night and it was so very bittersweet. God is he handsome and irresistible, yet somehow (much to his dismay), you managed to resist. He's afraid of losing you and you don't have the heart to tell him that you're already gone; that you're already falling for someone else: the Plumber. 

You met the Plumber through an online dating website and he pretty much swept you off your feet right from day one. He's tall, remarkably handsome, hardworking and goal oriented, and he actually likes you. Alot. But you can't help but feel guilty whenever you're with him.

You want your family with him to work. If you ever believed in soul mates then your Love, your Light, your Bliss has got to be it for you. You both share this bond that is unlike anything you've experienced with anyone else before. You know each other inside and out. You know exactly what makes each other tick, which was both your strong point and your downfall. You could raise each other up when times were good or tear each other down when times were tough. Your greatest asset as a couple was also your greatest weakness. 

Sometimes he was your greatest friend and sometimes he was your worst enemy. At times he gave you the greatest love you've ever felt, yet one time he left you bruised and crying on the floor when you found someone else's g-string in your laundry basket. You don't even remember exactly how you ended up that way. All that you remember is that you came home late after working on your birthday, searched through the laundry basket for something to wear to bed and came across and extra large pink g-string that certainly didn't belong to you. You stormed into the bedroom where he was sleeping and threw the g-string in his face. The rest is a blur. You imagine that you probably hit him and were screaming at him, but he woke up unscathed. You woke up sore and bruised and completely broken inside. 

That recent night that he went on a drunken rampage and was yelling at you and mother seemed like the first step in the cycle towards ending up bruised again, and as much as it tears at your heart, you have to be the one to end the cycle. You couldn't allow him to get too close again for fear that you'll end you'll end up bruised and broken again.

You pray that therapy will heal him and take away all of his pent up anger and anguish. You pray that he learns how to communicate his feelings in a healthy way and that he'll stop drinking. You pray that he can and will change. Only then can you two have the healthy, happy, head-over-heels relationship that you so desperately want for your family. 

For now, you'll keep seeing your new guy, the Plumber, because he treats you like gold and has been nothing but supportive and kind to you, even when you dumped him to get back with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. He understood and wouldn't begrudge another man of his second chance. And when it didn't work out with your Love, your Light your Bliss, the Plumber welcomed you back with open arms.  

You're really starting to have feelings for the Plumber and it scares you, because you don't want to fall out of love with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. You wonder if it's possible to love two people at the time same time. You don't think so, because if you do someone, if not all of you, are getting short changed. 

Only time will tell what will happen with your Love, your Light, your Bliss and the Plumber. You hope that your Love, your Light, your Bliss will change, but you can't build your life around hoping that other people will change. You can only live in the now and deal with the present. And at present your Love, your Light, your Bliss still has the potential to be abusive and is so broken inside, and the Plumber is looking more and more beautiful to you with each passing day, which you know is how it first starts for you when you fall in love. 

You'll pray for a change but for now you'll just try to take it moment by moment and hope that you develop some clarity.

Clarity: you don't even know if you would recognize it anymore. 

Clarity- by Zedd

What does it take to be a good mother

My son woke me up this morning, wanting to read Green Eggs and Ham and I was too tired, too busy, too frazzled to read it to him. I still feel guilt about it now. It has me wondering what it takes to be a good mother.  I feed my kids, clothe them, keep a roof over their head and play with them as much as time and my pathetically low energy will allow but it feels like it's not enough. I need to nurture their creativity; think like they do and try to explore the world the way that they would so that I can relate to them better. Right now I feel like more of a baby sitter than a mother.

 l love my children more than anything in this world, but, simply put, I think I'm just not doing right by them. I don't play with them enough. I don't inspire and encourage their creativity and intellect enough. Some days I simply count down the minutes until they go to bed so that I can get some sleep too. I don't know why I'm so tired or why I have such a hard time relating to them, but it brings me to tears and I fear that I won't change.

Part of it is my self esteem I suppose. I have such a large amount of disdain for myself that I can't seem to enjoy anything: not even the company of my two beautiful and hilarious sons.

Part of it is the stress of being a single mother. I'm afraid to take them anywhere by myself because of just how difficult it is to take out a baby and a five year old. The five year old is pretty self sufficient but the baby (19 months) demands constant watching and attention. The beach, for example, would be a disaster by myself. It's not like I have friends that I could take with me either.

Part of it is the shame from my job. I just don't want to be seen or, God forbid, run into someone that I know and have them ask me what I do for a living. I suppose I could say that I'm a writer, because in my heart of hearts that's what I've always been and that's what I always will be, but I've yet to get paid for what I do so that almost feels like a lie. I will eventually be paid for it. Just not yet.

At the end of the day I suppose I need to just suck it up, deal with being tired, face my fears, and take them out into the world. I wish I could be a better mother. I've always thought wishing was pointless. But this is a wish that I can fulfill. And I will. One way or another, I will.

The end

So you did it. You told your Light, your Love, your Bliss, your Joy that it is over. Your hands were sweating and you couldn't stop crying. You feel like you have failed him. You feel like you have failed yourself. You hope that, somehow, this isn't the end. That maybe your paths will collide again when you are both in better places. 

You can't pinpoint where it all started to go wrong, but you know it had something to do with the constant fighting, which sometimes got abusive both verbally and physically. All of the times that he told you he hated you: all of the times that he told you that you made him miserable and ruined his life: all of the times he brought you down so low that you contemplated suicide. Someone who knew you as well as he did must be a good judge of your character and if he judges you to be depressed, despondent and a bad influence over your own children who are you to argue? 

Granted, your children wouldn't understand at first but surely it's better to have no mother at all than a mother who can't treat you right. They say that we are attracted to people like our parents. You would never want your sons to end up with someone like you. Someone who can't seem to ever be happy no matter what joy life mercifully throws at them. 

But then maybe there is hope for you yet. Maybe telling your Light, your Love, your Bliss that it is over is the beginning of a new and happier you. Maybe you spent so much time trying to be the woman that he wanted that you couldn't be the woman that you simply are. And maybe that woman is beautiful, inside and out and happy. Maybe she will spend less time worrying about a man and more time worrying about achieving her hopes and dreams. 

May you'll be happier someday.

But for now, your Love, your Light, your Bliss is gone and all you can do is cry.

Time to say goodbye, and wow does it hurt

So now it has gone too far. He yelled at your mother. He got drunk and became furious over every little thing imaginable. I couldn't get a word in, and when I could there was nothing to do to deescalate the situation. He said that he left. You waited a few minutes for him to leave and be gone and then you went outside to smoke a cigarette. When you got outside he was still there, crouched on your front step, taking hauls off of a Marlboro.

"What are you doing?" you ask.

And that right there sets him off. Only now he starts yelling. You tell him to stop yelling and he doesn't.

Now keep in mind that it's 2:45 in the morning.

Your mother comes downstairs to tell him to keep it down or go home. He then proceeds to start yelling his point to your mother.

"I know that you blame me for her suicide attempts," was the main point.

You tell him to stop yelling at your mother. Your mother who is currently battling brain cancer. He just doesn't stop yelling. The only thing that stops the yelling is her threatening to call the police. He finally starts to leave, cup of wine in hand, yelling the whole way. You follow him to his car, to show that you care, that you want him to be alright. He gets in his car, still yelling. He says goodbye in a furious manner and then proceeds to somehow smash a plastic cup on the pavement. It's truly a remarkable feat.

He leaves. You call. He screams and swears and you. You don't remember how many times he said, "F*** you" to you. He says that he is done with you and you instantly panic. You beg him to stay. He refuses. You struggle to sleep that night.

You go and see him the next morning and somehow, you work things out. You agree to stay together.

You almost instantly realize that this is a bad decision, but it's too late now. You maintain that you two shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but he acts no differently and it's confusing as all hell. You realize that you are going to have to actually use the words, "We need to break up" for your point to be made and you just don't want to say them because you just don't want to see the hurt on his face. The thought of it breaks your heart. It even brings you to tears. But it has to be done.

All of those years, all of that joy, all of that pain, just all of it was for nothing.