Love, Light, Bliss and the Plumber

So you saw your Love, your Light, your Bliss last night and it was so very bittersweet. God is he handsome and irresistible, yet somehow (much to his dismay), you managed to resist. He's afraid of losing you and you don't have the heart to tell him that you're already gone; that you're already falling for someone else: the Plumber. 

You met the Plumber through an online dating website and he pretty much swept you off your feet right from day one. He's tall, remarkably handsome, hardworking and goal oriented, and he actually likes you. Alot. But you can't help but feel guilty whenever you're with him.

You want your family with him to work. If you ever believed in soul mates then your Love, your Light, your Bliss has got to be it for you. You both share this bond that is unlike anything you've experienced with anyone else before. You know each other inside and out. You know exactly what makes each other tick, which was both your strong point and your downfall. You could raise each other up when times were good or tear each other down when times were tough. Your greatest asset as a couple was also your greatest weakness. 

Sometimes he was your greatest friend and sometimes he was your worst enemy. At times he gave you the greatest love you've ever felt, yet one time he left you bruised and crying on the floor when you found someone else's g-string in your laundry basket. You don't even remember exactly how you ended up that way. All that you remember is that you came home late after working on your birthday, searched through the laundry basket for something to wear to bed and came across and extra large pink g-string that certainly didn't belong to you. You stormed into the bedroom where he was sleeping and threw the g-string in his face. The rest is a blur. You imagine that you probably hit him and were screaming at him, but he woke up unscathed. You woke up sore and bruised and completely broken inside. 

That recent night that he went on a drunken rampage and was yelling at you and mother seemed like the first step in the cycle towards ending up bruised again, and as much as it tears at your heart, you have to be the one to end the cycle. You couldn't allow him to get too close again for fear that you'll end you'll end up bruised and broken again.

You pray that therapy will heal him and take away all of his pent up anger and anguish. You pray that he learns how to communicate his feelings in a healthy way and that he'll stop drinking. You pray that he can and will change. Only then can you two have the healthy, happy, head-over-heels relationship that you so desperately want for your family. 

For now, you'll keep seeing your new guy, the Plumber, because he treats you like gold and has been nothing but supportive and kind to you, even when you dumped him to get back with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. He understood and wouldn't begrudge another man of his second chance. And when it didn't work out with your Love, your Light your Bliss, the Plumber welcomed you back with open arms.  

You're really starting to have feelings for the Plumber and it scares you, because you don't want to fall out of love with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. You wonder if it's possible to love two people at the time same time. You don't think so, because if you do someone, if not all of you, are getting short changed. 

Only time will tell what will happen with your Love, your Light, your Bliss and the Plumber. You hope that your Love, your Light, your Bliss will change, but you can't build your life around hoping that other people will change. You can only live in the now and deal with the present. And at present your Love, your Light, your Bliss still has the potential to be abusive and is so broken inside, and the Plumber is looking more and more beautiful to you with each passing day, which you know is how it first starts for you when you fall in love. 

You'll pray for a change but for now you'll just try to take it moment by moment and hope that you develop some clarity.

Clarity: you don't even know if you would recognize it anymore. 

Clarity- by Zedd

What does it take to be a good mother

My son woke me up this morning, wanting to read Green Eggs and Ham and I was too tired, too busy, too frazzled to read it to him. I still feel guilt about it now. It has me wondering what it takes to be a good mother.  I feed my kids, clothe them, keep a roof over their head and play with them as much as time and my pathetically low energy will allow but it feels like it's not enough. I need to nurture their creativity; think like they do and try to explore the world the way that they would so that I can relate to them better. Right now I feel like more of a baby sitter than a mother.

 l love my children more than anything in this world, but, simply put, I think I'm just not doing right by them. I don't play with them enough. I don't inspire and encourage their creativity and intellect enough. Some days I simply count down the minutes until they go to bed so that I can get some sleep too. I don't know why I'm so tired or why I have such a hard time relating to them, but it brings me to tears and I fear that I won't change.

Part of it is my self esteem I suppose. I have such a large amount of disdain for myself that I can't seem to enjoy anything: not even the company of my two beautiful and hilarious sons.

Part of it is the stress of being a single mother. I'm afraid to take them anywhere by myself because of just how difficult it is to take out a baby and a five year old. The five year old is pretty self sufficient but the baby (19 months) demands constant watching and attention. The beach, for example, would be a disaster by myself. It's not like I have friends that I could take with me either.

Part of it is the shame from my job. I just don't want to be seen or, God forbid, run into someone that I know and have them ask me what I do for a living. I suppose I could say that I'm a writer, because in my heart of hearts that's what I've always been and that's what I always will be, but I've yet to get paid for what I do so that almost feels like a lie. I will eventually be paid for it. Just not yet.

At the end of the day I suppose I need to just suck it up, deal with being tired, face my fears, and take them out into the world. I wish I could be a better mother. I've always thought wishing was pointless. But this is a wish that I can fulfill. And I will. One way or another, I will.

The end

So you did it. You told your Light, your Love, your Bliss, your Joy that it is over. Your hands were sweating and you couldn't stop crying. You feel like you have failed him. You feel like you have failed yourself. You hope that, somehow, this isn't the end. That maybe your paths will collide again when you are both in better places. 

You can't pinpoint where it all started to go wrong, but you know it had something to do with the constant fighting, which sometimes got abusive both verbally and physically. All of the times that he told you he hated you: all of the times that he told you that you made him miserable and ruined his life: all of the times he brought you down so low that you contemplated suicide. Someone who knew you as well as he did must be a good judge of your character and if he judges you to be depressed, despondent and a bad influence over your own children who are you to argue? 

Granted, your children wouldn't understand at first but surely it's better to have no mother at all than a mother who can't treat you right. They say that we are attracted to people like our parents. You would never want your sons to end up with someone like you. Someone who can't seem to ever be happy no matter what joy life mercifully throws at them. 

But then maybe there is hope for you yet. Maybe telling your Light, your Love, your Bliss that it is over is the beginning of a new and happier you. Maybe you spent so much time trying to be the woman that he wanted that you couldn't be the woman that you simply are. And maybe that woman is beautiful, inside and out and happy. Maybe she will spend less time worrying about a man and more time worrying about achieving her hopes and dreams. 

May you'll be happier someday.

But for now, your Love, your Light, your Bliss is gone and all you can do is cry.

Time to say goodbye, and wow does it hurt

So now it has gone too far. He yelled at your mother. He got drunk and became furious over every little thing imaginable. I couldn't get a word in, and when I could there was nothing to do to deescalate the situation. He said that he left. You waited a few minutes for him to leave and be gone and then you went outside to smoke a cigarette. When you got outside he was still there, crouched on your front step, taking hauls off of a Marlboro.

"What are you doing?" you ask.

And that right there sets him off. Only now he starts yelling. You tell him to stop yelling and he doesn't.

Now keep in mind that it's 2:45 in the morning.

Your mother comes downstairs to tell him to keep it down or go home. He then proceeds to start yelling his point to your mother.

"I know that you blame me for her suicide attempts," was the main point.

You tell him to stop yelling at your mother. Your mother who is currently battling brain cancer. He just doesn't stop yelling. The only thing that stops the yelling is her threatening to call the police. He finally starts to leave, cup of wine in hand, yelling the whole way. You follow him to his car, to show that you care, that you want him to be alright. He gets in his car, still yelling. He says goodbye in a furious manner and then proceeds to somehow smash a plastic cup on the pavement. It's truly a remarkable feat.

He leaves. You call. He screams and swears and you. You don't remember how many times he said, "F*** you" to you. He says that he is done with you and you instantly panic. You beg him to stay. He refuses. You struggle to sleep that night.

You go and see him the next morning and somehow, you work things out. You agree to stay together.

You almost instantly realize that this is a bad decision, but it's too late now. You maintain that you two shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but he acts no differently and it's confusing as all hell. You realize that you are going to have to actually use the words, "We need to break up" for your point to be made and you just don't want to say them because you just don't want to see the hurt on his face. The thought of it breaks your heart. It even brings you to tears. But it has to be done.

All of those years, all of that joy, all of that pain, just all of it was for nothing.