Today was a good day

Today was a good day. You played so many fun and weird little games with your sons and there was minimal crying. You loved it. For once you actually felt like a mother and not a babysitter. You can't remember the last time you enjoyed their company so much.

Today did have a rocky start though. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss called you at four in morning, drunk as all hell, talking about how nothing he does matters and hinting towards being suicidal. He ended up falling asleep outside of a club while he was on the phone with you and then lost his phone and his wallet at some point. He doesn't remember getting home. He actually said that he thinks that he might have a drinking problem! Hallelujah! Maybe he'll finally listen to you and stop drinking. If he is serious about quitting drinking, he's going to need to get new friends and that's going to be difficult for him. You know what it's like. Anytime you dropped a bad habit you lost friends and had to start over at square one to get new ones. At this point you've given up on trying to find new friends.

Some people aren't meant to have friends and you believe that you are one of them.

All that matters is your children: your beautiful beautiful children.

Your worried immensely about your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but what can you do when he's clear across the country surrounded by "friends" who can't even keep track of him for one night. You don't know what to do, but he needs help. Serious help. And you aren't qualified to give it to him. You two will have to have a serious discussion when he comes home about the state of his mental health which is apparently more critical than you thought.

Despite all of that in the morning, you still managed to have a beautiful, laughter filled day with your two sons. You're continually amazed at how smart they both are and watching them today and just comparing the growth they have made both mentally and physically from a year ago is astounding.

You're also excited because tonight you are going out with the Plumber, your Sweetheart. Who knows what he has in store for you. All you know is that it really doesn't matter. Just so long as he's around it'll be a wonderful time. You can't wait to see him. Only 20 minutes to go! :)

You worry that your Light, your Love, your Bliss will call when you're out with your Sweetheart, but you can't be responsible for a drunken mans mental health and you definitely don't want to have another conversation like last night while you're out on a date.

Here's to hoping for a beautiful night with a beautiful man after a beautiful day with your beautiful children.

Picture credit: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzl0932law1r17jnwo1_500.gif

Abilify Worries

Today was just like any other average work day. Nothing special to be reported. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is in Vegas and will be until Tuesday, and for some reason you just have a bad feeling about it. You can't put a finger on why, but you just have a bad feeling.

You also are off of your Abilify. The insurance company needed something signed from the doctor and getting in contact with your doctor is extremely challenging. Since you've just stopped taking abruptly about 3 days ago you've noticed that your anxiety has been through the roof.

Everything has been a source of worry and despair and at night you can't sleep because of all of the thoughts that are racing through your mind. You. Can't. Shut. It. Off. and it's driving you nuts.

Time to worry.

You took a Plan B today. Couldn't find those stupid IUD strings. You don't want a baby right now. You don't think you want to have any more kids, period. Two is enough. More than enough, and just about the maximum that you can handle. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is just itching to fill you all up with a baby right now, something that you don't quite understand, but don't question either. He's a man madly in love, and madly in love men do and think mad things.

A baby.

You'd have to quit your job immediately, find a new place to live immediately, just do a whole bunch of different things immediately. And you are not ready to take on all of those challenges at once and by yourself.

What else...

Your Love, your Light your Bliss is in Vegas and for some reason, you just have a bad feeling about this whole trip, but we've already been over this, so, moving on.

You keep missing days at work because you just can't mentally deal with it some days, and you're worried that you are going to be fired. That would be catastrophic.

You're still smoking butts which is insanely unhealthy for you and can cause a whole host of unsavory and undesirable reactions. You're paying to shorten your own life. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Your mother is in the middle of radiation treatments and has get to get a feeding tube put in next Wednesday and she'll be in the hospital for a few days. That should be a routine thing, but still, anything involving anesthesia is nerve wracking and it's seems like she's had a shitload of it lately. Fingers crossed, but all should be well on its own.

You worry about your Plumber, your Sweetheart. He makes your heart feel sweet, so Sweetheart it is.
He's so kind.
And handsome.
And intelligent, and witty and just all around amazing to be near. You worry that you won't be able to stay faithful to him with your Love, your Light, your Bliss still around. You have explosive sexual chemistry with both of them and it's quite the confounding thing to experience. You didn't think you could have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but then came your Sweetheart and he rocked your world in a way you hadn't experienced before.

Ah that whole situation. In love with one, and knowing it probably can't work, and hoping for love with the other while your still in love with the first. It won't work. You need to make some decisions and you need to make them fast. Otherwise you're just going to hurt someone. You suppose that one way or another, you are going to hurt someone, and that kills you. This feels like the weirdest de-ja-vu. You were just having to choose between whose heart to break about a month ago, when you dumped your Sweetheart to be with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. Now you have the same dilemma. You've come full circle.

Way to make absolutely no progress on that one.

Oh well.

For now you are tired of worrying so you'll put that to rest for now.

You're going to have David for the entire weekend. You're pretty pumped. You aren't exactly sure what you'll actually do with him, but you look forward to it. You don't look forward to waking up at 6:00 in the morning with him and wish he would just sleep in for once. C'est la vie.

You'll figure out something to do with him. Maybe you'll even be able to go out with your Sweetheart this weekend, but probably not because you'll need to have your parents babysit on Sunday so that you can work. You can't afford to miss anymore days.

Now its time to try to put this spinning little brain to rest.

Slow Dreams

You've been too hard on the Plumber and might have just been having a crazy moment. It happens. Especially in relationships. You tend to over analyze.

You're gonna give him some space and see what happens.

You've also realized that you've been far too preoccupied with men which, in part, has interfered with your parenting. You should be more concerned with becoming the mother that your children deserve. You need to be more patient and more playful. You need to solidify those bonds.

Tonight is just you and little David. He's such a sweet little baby. Yes, he's 19 months old now, but to you he's still a baby. He can count to four and has developed a slew of new phrases to say. Watching him grow into a little boy has truly been one of the most rewarding experiences in your life.

You worry though that you won't be able to provide financially for him and Gabriel. It's a rough job market out there especially for someone with no degree. I suppose I could go back to school, but how long would that take and how much would that cost? I shudder to think.

You're trying to get this writing thing off of the ground. It's a lot of hard work, but you know that you will be able to succeed. It's just a really slow process.

You can't wait for that day where you don't have to have a 9-5 and you can just write all day instead. Maybe eventually you would run out of words, but they would come back to you eventually.

For now though I just have to put my nose to the grindstone, keep taking better care of my kids, and keep on hoping and working hard to achieve my dreams.

Bipolarly: What They Say About Me

Bipolarly: What They Say About Me: Paranoia.  Insomnia. Mania, then depression, then mania, then depression. Mixed state.  Mixed state.  Mixed state.  An alright day.  Nearly...

Plumber Games

You're starting to wonder if the Plumber is playing games with you. You've yet to meet anyone in his life, save for two friends on your third date, he never asks you how your doing or how day has been, and he stopped taking you out on dates. The only time you see him now is in the wee hours of the morning, usually at your place, and sex is always on the agenda. The last time you saw him you went to his place and as soon as he found out that you had your period he became immensely tired and started falling asleep. That definitely left you with a bad taste in your mouth. It makes you a little sad, but it might just make it easier to forget about him and give your Love, your Light, your Bliss one last shot.

Maybe you're being unfair to the plumber. He works anywhere from 70 to 100 hours a week so it's not like he has a lot of free time, but that didn't get in the way when you first started dating. Perhaps the grueling schedule is finally catching up with him. Perhaps he's just not that into you. You have a tendency to view men that you're extremely attracted to with rose colored glasses and ignore any red flags that they may be throwing your way. You just really hoped that it would be different this time with this guy. He was such a gentleman and made you feel so special and protected. Maybe you leaving him for your Love, your Light, your Bliss is what caused the change in him. You know that you hurt him and maybe this is just your karma. 

If the Plumber is playing games with you, it will be crystal clear soon enough. You suppose that in some ways you're playing games with him too. 

Even though you broke up with your Love, your Light, your Bliss you still hang out with him; you still tell him that you love him. It's the truth and you can't help but express it, even though you know you shouldn't. You feel like you can't give the Plumber your all unless you completely move on from your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but you don't know how to move on. He's been a fixture in your life for the last five years and you've loved him even longer. 

The Plumber says that he takes you seriously and that you are monogamous, but he could just be blowing smoke up your ass in order to keep you around. However, he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him so for now you'll take his word for it. 

But something here just doesn't add up and you don't know exactly what it is. It'll all become apparent soon enough. 

Photo credit: http://eofdreams.com/photo/plumber/07/