Today was a good day

Today was a good day. You played so many fun and weird little games with your sons and there was minimal crying. You loved it. For once you actually felt like a mother and not a babysitter. You can't remember the last time you enjoyed their company so much.

Today did have a rocky start though. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss called you at four in morning, drunk as all hell, talking about how nothing he does matters and hinting towards being suicidal. He ended up falling asleep outside of a club while he was on the phone with you and then lost his phone and his wallet at some point. He doesn't remember getting home. He actually said that he thinks that he might have a drinking problem! Hallelujah! Maybe he'll finally listen to you and stop drinking. If he is serious about quitting drinking, he's going to need to get new friends and that's going to be difficult for him. You know what it's like. Anytime you dropped a bad habit you lost friends and had to start over at square one to get new ones. At this point you've given up on trying to find new friends.

Some people aren't meant to have friends and you believe that you are one of them.

All that matters is your children: your beautiful beautiful children.

Your worried immensely about your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but what can you do when he's clear across the country surrounded by "friends" who can't even keep track of him for one night. You don't know what to do, but he needs help. Serious help. And you aren't qualified to give it to him. You two will have to have a serious discussion when he comes home about the state of his mental health which is apparently more critical than you thought.

Despite all of that in the morning, you still managed to have a beautiful, laughter filled day with your two sons. You're continually amazed at how smart they both are and watching them today and just comparing the growth they have made both mentally and physically from a year ago is astounding.

You're also excited because tonight you are going out with the Plumber, your Sweetheart. Who knows what he has in store for you. All you know is that it really doesn't matter. Just so long as he's around it'll be a wonderful time. You can't wait to see him. Only 20 minutes to go! :)

You worry that your Light, your Love, your Bliss will call when you're out with your Sweetheart, but you can't be responsible for a drunken mans mental health and you definitely don't want to have another conversation like last night while you're out on a date.

Here's to hoping for a beautiful night with a beautiful man after a beautiful day with your beautiful children.

Picture credit: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzl0932law1r17jnwo1_500.gif

Abilify Worries

Today was just like any other average work day. Nothing special to be reported. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is in Vegas and will be until Tuesday, and for some reason you just have a bad feeling about it. You can't put a finger on why, but you just have a bad feeling.

You also are off of your Abilify. The insurance company needed something signed from the doctor and getting in contact with your doctor is extremely challenging. Since you've just stopped taking abruptly about 3 days ago you've noticed that your anxiety has been through the roof.

Everything has been a source of worry and despair and at night you can't sleep because of all of the thoughts that are racing through your mind. You. Can't. Shut. It. Off. and it's driving you nuts.

Time to worry.

You took a Plan B today. Couldn't find those stupid IUD strings. You don't want a baby right now. You don't think you want to have any more kids, period. Two is enough. More than enough, and just about the maximum that you can handle. Your Love, your Light, your Bliss is just itching to fill you all up with a baby right now, something that you don't quite understand, but don't question either. He's a man madly in love, and madly in love men do and think mad things.

A baby.

You'd have to quit your job immediately, find a new place to live immediately, just do a whole bunch of different things immediately. And you are not ready to take on all of those challenges at once and by yourself.

What else...

Your Love, your Light your Bliss is in Vegas and for some reason, you just have a bad feeling about this whole trip, but we've already been over this, so, moving on.

You keep missing days at work because you just can't mentally deal with it some days, and you're worried that you are going to be fired. That would be catastrophic.

You're still smoking butts which is insanely unhealthy for you and can cause a whole host of unsavory and undesirable reactions. You're paying to shorten your own life. Makes no sense whatsoever.

Your mother is in the middle of radiation treatments and has get to get a feeding tube put in next Wednesday and she'll be in the hospital for a few days. That should be a routine thing, but still, anything involving anesthesia is nerve wracking and it's seems like she's had a shitload of it lately. Fingers crossed, but all should be well on its own.

You worry about your Plumber, your Sweetheart. He makes your heart feel sweet, so Sweetheart it is.
He's so kind.
And handsome.
And intelligent, and witty and just all around amazing to be near. You worry that you won't be able to stay faithful to him with your Love, your Light, your Bliss still around. You have explosive sexual chemistry with both of them and it's quite the confounding thing to experience. You didn't think you could have that kind of chemistry with anyone other than your Love, your Light, your Bliss, but then came your Sweetheart and he rocked your world in a way you hadn't experienced before.

Ah that whole situation. In love with one, and knowing it probably can't work, and hoping for love with the other while your still in love with the first. It won't work. You need to make some decisions and you need to make them fast. Otherwise you're just going to hurt someone. You suppose that one way or another, you are going to hurt someone, and that kills you. This feels like the weirdest de-ja-vu. You were just having to choose between whose heart to break about a month ago, when you dumped your Sweetheart to be with your Love, your Light, your Bliss. Now you have the same dilemma. You've come full circle.

Way to make absolutely no progress on that one.

Oh well.

For now you are tired of worrying so you'll put that to rest for now.

You're going to have David for the entire weekend. You're pretty pumped. You aren't exactly sure what you'll actually do with him, but you look forward to it. You don't look forward to waking up at 6:00 in the morning with him and wish he would just sleep in for once. C'est la vie.

You'll figure out something to do with him. Maybe you'll even be able to go out with your Sweetheart this weekend, but probably not because you'll need to have your parents babysit on Sunday so that you can work. You can't afford to miss anymore days.

Now its time to try to put this spinning little brain to rest.

What does it take to be a good mother

My son woke me up this morning, wanting to read Green Eggs and Ham and I was too tired, too busy, too frazzled to read it to him. I still feel guilt about it now. It has me wondering what it takes to be a good mother.  I feed my kids, clothe them, keep a roof over their head and play with them as much as time and my pathetically low energy will allow but it feels like it's not enough. I need to nurture their creativity; think like they do and try to explore the world the way that they would so that I can relate to them better. Right now I feel like more of a baby sitter than a mother.

 l love my children more than anything in this world, but, simply put, I think I'm just not doing right by them. I don't play with them enough. I don't inspire and encourage their creativity and intellect enough. Some days I simply count down the minutes until they go to bed so that I can get some sleep too. I don't know why I'm so tired or why I have such a hard time relating to them, but it brings me to tears and I fear that I won't change.

Part of it is my self esteem I suppose. I have such a large amount of disdain for myself that I can't seem to enjoy anything: not even the company of my two beautiful and hilarious sons.

Part of it is the stress of being a single mother. I'm afraid to take them anywhere by myself because of just how difficult it is to take out a baby and a five year old. The five year old is pretty self sufficient but the baby (19 months) demands constant watching and attention. The beach, for example, would be a disaster by myself. It's not like I have friends that I could take with me either.

Part of it is the shame from my job. I just don't want to be seen or, God forbid, run into someone that I know and have them ask me what I do for a living. I suppose I could say that I'm a writer, because in my heart of hearts that's what I've always been and that's what I always will be, but I've yet to get paid for what I do so that almost feels like a lie. I will eventually be paid for it. Just not yet.

At the end of the day I suppose I need to just suck it up, deal with being tired, face my fears, and take them out into the world. I wish I could be a better mother. I've always thought wishing was pointless. But this is a wish that I can fulfill. And I will. One way or another, I will.